Thursday, March 28, 2013

Eartha Kitt on Love and Compromise

I've been obsessing with this clip every since I stumbled upon the GIF of this scene on my new favorite (albeit strange and perverse) blog. I want to memorize her words, her inflections and tone and perform it as many times as I can whenever possible. She's remarkable.

But are you willing to compromise? Within a relationship?

What is compromising?
Compromising for what?
Compromising for what reason?
To compromise?
For what?
To compromise.
What is compromise?

If a man came into your life, wouldn't you want to compromise?

(raises eyebrows)
She laughs
She laughs again.

A man comes into my life and I have to compromise? (pause) You must think about that one again.

An extended laugh, Eartha throws her head back in amusement

A man comes into my life and you have to compromise? For what? For what? (pause, demanding) For what? A relationship is a relationship that has to be earned! Not to compromise for. (pause) And I love relationships I think they're fantastically wonderful I think they're great. I think there's nothing in the world more beautiful than falling in love. (pause)  But falling in love for the right reasons, falling in love for the right purpose. Falling in love. Falling in love! When you fall in love…what is there to compromise about?

Isn't love a union between two people? Or does Eartha, fall in love with herself?

I think, if you were to think about it in terms of analyzing... (beat) Yes. I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me. (beat) I want someone to share me, with me.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

On Idol Worship

They have everything your bones ache for. You want to consume them. You want them to be your friend. Your mother. Your father. Your lover. You want them to see brillance in you, because their approval is the validation of your entire identity as an artist, writer, human being.

You think it'd be something to eventually grow out of. But as an artist, or someone with an artistic pursuit, I find myself falling into idol worship all the damn time. I can fall in love in a sentence. Fuck that, I can fall in love over a word so perfectly chosen it feels like it's grabbing me by the spine.

Then, if you're lucky enough, you get to meet your idols. If you're luckier still, you get to talk to them, take classes with them, learn from them -- the lighthouses of your dreams.

It is a humbling weakness. I want to be confident in my abilities, in my talent, in the results of the hard work I've put into my reading and writing, without needing the affirmation. I'm terrified people will think I'm a hack, a shitty, talentless writer, or worse yet, a dilettante. I don't want them to see the insecure, approval-seeking wannabe hiding behind my ambition. It is a painful reminder of my immaturity as a writer, as a person.

Approval seeking is a big part of that fear and the high you get from it is fleeting. It lasts as long as the moment lasts if not just a moment longer before you're aching for the next fix. More affirmation, more approval, special treatment.

I know enough to understand that gaining approval shouldn't be important. Having something to say is what is important. Putting in the hard work to say it in a way only I could is what is important. But it's still there, sitting in my chest, my pilot light of hope, waiting for you to love me.